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  • Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef
    by The Onion Staff on September 15, 2026 at 5:18 pm

    RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying those steaks and that they’ve been prepared to your satisfaction—but now comes the delightful The post Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef appeared first on The Onion.

  • Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail
    by The Onion Staff on September 15, 2026 at 5:15 pm

    A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion.

  • Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed
    by The Onion Staff on September 15, 2026 at 1:00 pm

    NEW YORK—In an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the company’s flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that won’t stop expanding once unboxed. “In response to thousands of reports of our mattresses inflating catastrophically past their intended dimensions, we have removed the items from our online store The post Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed appeared first on The Onion.

  • Video Game Prologue Still Going
    by The Onion Staff on September 15, 2026 at 1:00 pm

    CONCORD, MA—As he expressed alarm at still not having reached the title’s open world, local gamer Rudy Kelleher confirmed Tuesday that the prologue of his recently purchased video game was still going. “Christ, it’s been an hour and a half since I booted this thing up, and I’m still wandering around some cave while a king’s The post Video Game Prologue Still Going appeared first on The Onion.

  • Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg
    by The Onion Staff on September 15, 2026 at 1:00 pm

    The post Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg appeared first on The Onion.

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