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  • Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They’ve Been Sleeping There
    by The Onion Staff on May 29, 2025 at 7:16 pm

    AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to give the impression that they had been burning the midnight oil while CEO Elon Musk was away in Washington, D.C., employees at Tesla reportedly scrambled Thursday to make the office look like they’d been sleeping there. “Elon’s going to be back any minute, so make sure to throw some dirty The post Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They’ve Been Sleeping There appeared first on The Onion.

  • Crypto Investor Tortures Man In Attempt To Steal Bitcoin Password
    by The Onion Staff on May 29, 2025 at 6:48 pm

    A 37-year-old cryptocurrency investor was charged with kidnapping a man and beating, shocking and torturing him for weeks inside a luxury townhouse in downtown Manhattan, all in a scheme to get the man’s Bitcoin password. What do you think? The post Crypto Investor Tortures Man In Attempt To Steal Bitcoin Password appeared first on The Onion.

  • Trump Pardons Tom Sandoval
    by The Onion Staff on May 29, 2025 at 6:19 pm

    WASHINGTON—As part of a flurry of legal actions in recent days that granted clemency to more than 25 people, President Donald Trump reportedly pardoned disgraced Bravo TV star Tom Sandoval this week. “Thanks to President Trump, Tom Sandoval will finally be indemnified against all the toxic Vanderpump Rules drama,” said publicist Brittany Trumble, adding that the The post Trump Pardons Tom Sandoval appeared first on The Onion.

  • Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard
    by The Onion Staff on May 29, 2025 at 3:11 pm

    President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares a timeline of the dispute’s key dates so far. January 29: Trump administration accuses the Harvard Law Review of promoting violent pro-law rhetoric. February 3: The Justice Department announces the The post Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard appeared first on The Onion.

  • Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit
    by The Onion Staff on May 29, 2025 at 1:00 pm

    CUPERTINO, CA—Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit. “Apple customers will have a blast soldering, polishing, and drilling as they build their very own iPhone,” Cook said in a Keynote presentation at Apple headquarters, touting the new product as an innovative, first-of-its-kind achievement The post Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit appeared first on The Onion.

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