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  • Arsonist Sets Fire To Pennsylvania Governor’s Mansion
    by The Onion Staff on April 16, 2025 at 9:21 pm

    A man is in custody after scaling an iron security fence in the middle of the night, eluding police, and breaking into the Pennsylvania governor’s mansion where he set a fire, claiming he would have attacked Governor Shapiro with a hammer if he happened upon him inside the residence. What do you think? The post Arsonist Sets Fire To Pennsylvania Governor’s Mansion appeared first on The Onion.

  • David Eustice
    by The Onion Staff on April 16, 2025 at 1:00 pm

    David Eustice, 54, was found dead in his apartment. In lieu of flowers, please send a team of forensic crime scene technicians. The post David Eustice appeared first on The Onion.

  • Alison Moore and Meghan Buress
    by The Onion Staff on April 16, 2025 at 1:00 pm

    The newlyweds blew through $79,000 in a single day last Saturday, and no one tried to stop them. The post Alison Moore and Meghan Buress appeared first on The Onion.

  • God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder
    by The Onion Staff on April 16, 2025 at 1:00 pm

    ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after witnessing a grisly gangland murder. Federal agents said they were contacted at 3:47 a.m. by the Lord The post God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder appeared first on The Onion.

  • Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again
    by The Onion Staff on April 16, 2025 at 1:00 pm

    WILMINGTON, DE—Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. “Oh gosh, that’s not good, is it?” said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent child’s uncle, who was troubled upon receiving the news that his brother’s oldest song had earned his third suspension for wrapping his hands The post Nephew In Trouble For Strangling Again appeared first on The Onion.

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